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Am I Coming or Going

Today I got a lovely email from one of my special ‘grand daughters’ from Brazil telling me she is keeping a special rosary from a little village by the sea there around my picture, offering daily prayers and recently she gathered with 80 spiritual companions to send prayers my way. She is recording the St. Francis prayer for me in Portuguese, singing it accompanied by her guitar. Hers is one of ever so many beautiful supportive deeds for my healing benefit.

Friends, these healing prayers are golden. When I think like the pre school teacher I have been for so many years, of the imaginative “spirit” of magic and goodness in the world, I can feel myself like the ‘youngest daughter in the fairy tale” carried in the magic boat woven of golden prayer threads, bannered with spiritual prayer flags, filled with abundant life giving flowers, sparkling with star light, born on gentle breezes, refreshing soothing zephyrs carrying this transcendent restoration boat over land and sea, bathed in the warmth of sunlight created by human hearts, and all surrounded with pink clouds of healing love!

Through these weeks, I am the fortunate recipient of such loving substance, but I see it as a truly tangible creation, a LASTING one that will continue on after my immediate needs are no more and this will be a blessing to a world SO in need of such community created goodness. Love never dies, but multiplies and heals wherever there is suffering and need. It is exciting, humbling and such an honor to help be part of the creation of healing energy from all of you.


Again, given the gift of your caring, I am hoping the stories which I will share now may be of support to you at some time in your lives. While this is my experience, some of it is archetypal, the up and down sides of modern medicine and hospital experience and I hope to share them over the next dozen or so days. May it some to pass I shall be on my way by then and we will close the bridge! Make no predictions, oh, have I learned this. But that is the hope.

Today I was outside with a cane, climbed the stairs for the first time, up fixing a meal, just very weak and easily winded. Will see the surgeon tomorrow for (hopefully) final issues.


During the days in ICU, I concentrated on Rudolf Steiner’s Foundation Stone verses.

“Soul of man, you live in the beat of heart and lung

That guides you through the rhythms of time

To the sensing of your own soul’s being;

Practice spirit contemplation in the equanimity of soul.

Where the surging cosmic creative deeds


And you will truly feel

In deeds of the human soul.

Oh, yes, may this struggling heart and lung live united with the highest good!

I repeatedly did the eurythmy as best I could, Hallelujah’s for connecting with the other side.

The family read often from a lovely book Nicki brought about the Archangel of Healing, Raphael, with many heart warming stories of healing. The book said a vibrant green is often connected with Raphael’s healing work and they noted that green prevailing on many machines around the bed. My peppy Puerto Rican nurse puts a message at the top of the daily schedule board. “Welcome, Raphael.”

My children, individually, collectively, let me know they would honor and respect any decision that I will make about going or staying. The question is what is the decision? After all I have worked with death and dying for over forty years!

They also feared they may have violated my ‘ Do Not Resuscitate’ wishes by my coming to the Emergency room. I assure them I am feeling this is not a mistake, after all I directed ambulance to Sutter Memorial. And I had had a chance to cross over under the ideal circumstances, was quite happy to do so, a wonderful, Yes! (and I didn’t) Now on the edge again, (and I didn’t) There is more to be written to this story.

As the family watched my process it was indeed a playing out of the inner condition I feel. My spirit had indeed been quite ready to go, my soul was willing to stay, “If I could serve”. Chie, with her extraordinary gifts of working and knowing on both side of the threshold, said I was in the soul world for almost three days during the process, appearing in the soul world, ill and dying among warm normal and happy spirit world supporters of my destiny all arrayed in beautiful translucent flower filled rooms. Spirit was ready to go, soul willing to stay. The practical question wove through it all, If I stay to serve can this 82 year old body with multiple issues be “serviceable” to do so!? This decision played itself out over these days with the children and with my hovering at the threshold. At nights I was being pulled into strange and troubling worlds but I had no difficulty recognizing where I was. Ugly tortured faces would appear but it was almost comforting... the Guardian of the Threshold was here. There you are, I said inwardly, “as you should be.. It didn’t inspire fear, rather, things were in place! I was treading the edge of the abyss, between two sides, all unfolding during the dark nights.


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